Friday, July 31, 2015

Today sucks

I did everything I was supposed to do this month.  I took care of myself, I watched my cycle.  I took my bbt (basal body temperature) every day.  I checked my cervical mucus and cervical position every day (which is disgusting).  I used the ovulation test strips. 
And you know what?  The day that I was supposed to start "collecting" my husband's "material", well, he was in a different state.  And the next day.  And finally, he arrived.

Side note:
They say that the egg is released within 24 hours of the LH (luteinizing hormone) and that it lives for 12-24 hours after it is released.
I figured, as long as it came at the end of the 24 hours and lived 24 hours, we should be good.
I figured, I get pregnant so easily, surely I have a hearty little egg floating around in my previously identified paradisiacal uterus.
Apparently I don't.  Maybe my uterus is sick and tired of babies living in it.  I get it, eight is a lot of babies.  And I heard you last time uterus, you don't want two at a time.  I know.   I promised we wouldn't do that mess again.  But it was just one!
And little egg, I know you have been in their for almost 36 years.  I do.  Don't you think it would be so awesome to become a baby?  Like, wouldn't that be better than shriveling up, dying, and falling out in a mess of bloody ooze?  Seriously?
End of side note.

I collected the material.  I get it.  I was two days late.  TWO DAYS.  Two days!  And then I waited.  I even waited until 3 days before my period was due so that I wouldn't get up my hopes.  But how can you not?  And the test was negative.  So was the next day.  And the next day.  And today, I decided not to even test.  What was the point?

I guess I knew I wasn't pregnant this whole time.  With my last child (#3), I knew I was pregnant because my body told me I was well before a pregnancy test would have picked it up.  I never felt that this time.  Just like last month, I already knew. 

So, the test was negative.  This post is negative.  But what else do you expect?  Negative.  I have gotten pregnant the first go SIX times.  I knew the odds were lower this time.  I am older.  My body has been through pregnancy hell.  And I know everyone can't have everything.  I know all the facts.  I know all the clich├ęs. 
But right now, none of that means anything to my heart- which is slightly more broken than it was yesterday.

And the silver lining, if there must be one, is that I know a hell of a lot more about fertility and cycles than ever before.  Even after 3 surrogate pregnancies, I have learned more about my body than I ever knew I didn't know.  So this next month, I am going to throw my huge trove of knowledge at this thing.  I am going to cervical mucus and ovulation test my eyeballs out. 
Stay tuned.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Fear and Hope

We decided to have a baby.  After four years of marriage.  After he learned to love my kids.  After he watched me carry five babies for three other families.  After vowing that he would never want a child of his own.  After all that we have been through, he said he wanted his own.  What could I say?  I said, "of course."
We decided to wait for summer.  Because I want to have the most time off.  Because I needed time to prepare.  To get off the meds.  To know that I was well again.
And here we are.  We tried in June.  Fail.  We are trying again in July.  I don't think we have done it.
We will try again in August.
I have learned more about fertility, ovulation, cervical mucus, and basal body temperature than I thought I would ever need to know.
I grew eight babies.  Sometimes I feel selfish for wanting one more.  Sometimes I feel scared to carry one more (like, something will surely go wrong this time).  Sometimes I feel too old to do this all over again.  But sometimes, I feel this crazy bit of hope- excitement- joy at the thought of growing one last tiny human.  And the idea of giving birth and having that tiny little person laid on my chest, against my heart, and being able to hold her forever... my heart overfills with the possibility of one more little love.
And now I wait and pray there is a little egg that hasn't shriveled up yet.