Friday, July 31, 2015

Today sucks

I did everything I was supposed to do this month.  I took care of myself, I watched my cycle.  I took my bbt (basal body temperature) every day.  I checked my cervical mucus and cervical position every day (which is disgusting).  I used the ovulation test strips. 
And you know what?  The day that I was supposed to start "collecting" my husband's "material", well, he was in a different state.  And the next day.  And finally, he arrived.

Side note:
They say that the egg is released within 24 hours of the LH (luteinizing hormone) and that it lives for 12-24 hours after it is released.
I figured, as long as it came at the end of the 24 hours and lived 24 hours, we should be good.
I figured, I get pregnant so easily, surely I have a hearty little egg floating around in my previously identified paradisiacal uterus.
Apparently I don't.  Maybe my uterus is sick and tired of babies living in it.  I get it, eight is a lot of babies.  And I heard you last time uterus, you don't want two at a time.  I know.   I promised we wouldn't do that mess again.  But it was just one!
And little egg, I know you have been in their for almost 36 years.  I do.  Don't you think it would be so awesome to become a baby?  Like, wouldn't that be better than shriveling up, dying, and falling out in a mess of bloody ooze?  Seriously?
End of side note.

I collected the material.  I get it.  I was two days late.  TWO DAYS.  Two days!  And then I waited.  I even waited until 3 days before my period was due so that I wouldn't get up my hopes.  But how can you not?  And the test was negative.  So was the next day.  And the next day.  And today, I decided not to even test.  What was the point?

I guess I knew I wasn't pregnant this whole time.  With my last child (#3), I knew I was pregnant because my body told me I was well before a pregnancy test would have picked it up.  I never felt that this time.  Just like last month, I already knew. 

So, the test was negative.  This post is negative.  But what else do you expect?  Negative.  I have gotten pregnant the first go SIX times.  I knew the odds were lower this time.  I am older.  My body has been through pregnancy hell.  And I know everyone can't have everything.  I know all the facts.  I know all the clichés. 
But right now, none of that means anything to my heart- which is slightly more broken than it was yesterday.

And the silver lining, if there must be one, is that I know a hell of a lot more about fertility and cycles than ever before.  Even after 3 surrogate pregnancies, I have learned more about my body than I ever knew I didn't know.  So this next month, I am going to throw my huge trove of knowledge at this thing.  I am going to cervical mucus and ovulation test my eyeballs out. 
Stay tuned.

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