Tuesday, January 5, 2016

15 Weeks and Falling in Love

I fell in love with my first baby when I had an ultrasound.  She was an unplanned pregnancy and I was miserable.  I wanted to die; I didn't want to have to live with the reality I was facing.  And then, I had an ultrasound.  I remember lying on the table and looking at the tiny screen and seeing a little bean wiggling around with a beating heart.  And I was a mother.  My heart changed in that moment and I loved that baby with my whole heart and would have done anything from that moment on to protect her.

I fell in love with my oldest son as soon as I found out he was coming.  He was the unplanned-planned pregnancy.  You know the kind, where you know having another baby isn't the best idea, but you want one anyway.  I was so excited for this child the entire time I was pregnant.  We never found out his gender, but it didn't matter.  This was my baby and I was creating siblings.

I fell in love with my youngest son before I even took the pregnancy test.  I could feel him inside me.  Well, mostly I felt the nausea and tenderness of my body telling me he was there, but I was over the moon with joy with this third, and completely planned child.

I fell in love with this baby at 15 weeks.  This was our "we-were-planning-a-baby-that-died-and-I-don't-think-I-can-handle-another-loss-so-let's-don't-try-oops!" baby.  I was miserable and sick and I didn't think I could do this.  Just when I had accepted that I was done with pregnancy, here is a little peanut.  It seems crazy to me that it took so long, as I already have a mother's heart and we wanted a child.  But then I think about all that this body and this heart have been through.  I have given the last five babies I have grown into their parents' arms as soon as they were born, and most recently, been chopped in half to get them out.  I survive post partum depression every day, and I just lost a baby in September.  This is a lot of my heart that has been given away or taken from me.  I knew that I would need time, and I knew that I would be blissfully happy about this child by the time he/she arrives, but I didn't know how long it would be.
And then, I woke up on December 19, a Saturday, and I was in love.  I am blissfully, over the moon, ecstatically happy for my little peanut.  
I have no explanation for this.  I just know that my mother's heart is alive, has room for more, and is overflowing with love.

1 comment:

  1. As long as I have known you your heart as been overflowing with love. It is what makes you such a great teacher. You treat all those kids like your little peanuts. :-)